The Warwick Castle blog is progressing slowly…
I feel I have moaned on to Joy far too much about what’s currently on my mind, that poor girl, every time her phone goes she must be like ‘oh not again….’ and as Daniel is far away in Europe and Lin has many many of her own problems to deal with, I’m going to have a little rant and rave on here. Cathartic.
So, a while ago, at ye olde Oak, I met a person. Let’s call him….Tony. Well I met him at the jolly Phoenix first, months before hand. I thought nothing of him. Then I saw him the week before the one in question, he introducted himself “Hi I’m Tony!”….”I know.” I replied, “We’ve met before.” to which he hugged me as a reply. Anyway. The week in question, we were all dancing, as one does, when he friend shouted over the music to me “He really fancies you!” “No he doesn’t” I replied. All of this whilst Tony carried on dancing in his own world. We left for ye olde Oak. Outside we stood. I had tonsilitis at this point in my life, for the record. He offered to buy me a drink, I didn’t want to accept because I don’t like people buying things for me, it makes me feel guilty and like they owe me things. So I of course said no, I was fine. He told the barman to recommend anything for a sore throat and I got given brandy and lemonade (which did help, but that’s not the point) and we stood outside. He was very attentive, sitting with me and Sir Sue. A man, called me attention and told me I had a nice bum. I was offended and embarrassed and so walked off, whilst Sir Sue spoke to the man and Tony followed me trying to stop me being offended and embarrassed. Towards the end of the end we were holding hands (that’s literally it) but it was really nice. We got a cab home, I always get dropped off first, so I left and thought nothing more of it other than what a nice evening I had had. It turns out he got dropped off at Sir Sue’s house so he could get my number from her phone which had died halfway through the night. She couldn’t find her charger. So he found me on Facebook.
He was persistent. He got my number. And texted me constantly. He told me I was beautiful, lovely, an angel, amazing, perfect. All the nice compliments a woman likes to hear. And yet I remained cautious, I was attracted to him but I wasn’t going to be swayed so easily. I didn’t know him. We met each other out the week later at the same place. To be fair, I was getting annoyed with him at this stage. He was very persistent, I’m not used to that level of attention and he followed me around all night long. Looking back, it was sweet really. Towards the end of the night he had backed off and he walked home with me and the usual crowd. We stood at the bottom of my road, me insisting he wasn’t walking me home as I didn’t want him to know where I lived (sensible see?) so we stood there, literally until dawn broke, chatting and hugging (see an earlier blog).
Later, he asked me out on a date, so I accepted. We went to the cinema, he wore a shirt, it was lovely. We stood on the corner of my road talking for about 3 hours about nothing. Again, it was lovely, but I was still very cautious about the whole thing. My heart was like YAAY whereas my head was telling me not to get caught up lest I get hurt again. Two days later I was hit with swine flu (see earlier blog), in this blog I mentioned a friend who came round with a get well soon kit. This was him. I told him I had swine flu, he was the most caring person ever. Insistent that he must come and at least see me to check I was living, despite my constant protest at him not doing so incase he caught it. He brought films round, we watched them, although in my feverish state I completely forgot one of them we watched and the whole conversation that ensued but this amused him at a later date. He cuddled me and made sure I took my tablets and drank water. This swayed me a lot to be more open with him and let him into my life a bit more. Surely someone who could care for me so much wouldn’t end up hurting me?
The next time we met, again at Ye Olde Oak he sat me down. Holding my hand, as he shuffled nervously, he said meekly, “I know we’ve not known each other for ages, but I like you so much, I care so much about you and I don’t want to be with anyone else….hah I feel like I’m in year 7 I’m so nervous, but yeah, I want to be with you, you’re amazing, will you go out with me?” I chuckled. How romantic? It all seemed very gentlemanly and Pride and Prejudice, so I said yes. My head warned my heart yet again, but my heart was swelled with happiness. He was happy too. He kept telling me again and again. Even the next morning.
So we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Cool. We met. We dated more. We watched movies together. I told him of my social issues just to forewarn him of any bizarre behaviour on my part. He said and I quote “you would have to physically put me on a rocket ship to space to get me to leave you.”
Then things changed. The day after the last time we met he seemed quiet. He insisted it was to do with work, I was relieved. The next day, I heard very little, other than his insistance that he was OK, I’d done nothing wrong and there was no reason for his being off. The following day followed the same pattern, with more quietness again. I became quite agitated, worried and upset that it was something I had indeed done. His birthday followed this, he seemed off again. He did not want to see me. This behaviour (and worry on my part) carried on for another 3 days. I gave him space during once of those days and didn’t speak to him at all, thinking it would help. It didn’t. So I told him. He told me he was sorry, that he was a depressed alcoholic and couldn’t be with anyone. I didn’t understand. What had suddenly gone so wrong? I told him to tell me straight. He did. Apparently he had previously been engaged and year and a half before he had met me. I don’t know what happened between them, but apparently I was the first girl he had cared about since. In caring for me, he felt suicidal and guilty, especially when I wasn’t there. He “couldn’t bear to drag me down” and was much better off alone, he should have never got close to me and blah blah blah. He couldn’t be in a relationship. End of.
So after the weeks of chasing me, of me not being particularly interested and then finally swooned….it was over. With me being the broken hearted one and him being able to bury it, not think about it, out of sight out of mind in his conscience. It still hurts. But there’s nothing that can be done. I did of course pray about the situation. I know God won’t give me more than I can handle and I know I can handle this and I will be right as rain soon enough. But it’s still hard. Especially over the summer whilst I have little else on my mind, the whole situation replays itself depressingly in my mind. I feel very down about it all, it’s a knock to my confidence and my already fragile trust in people generally. But as Gloria Gaynor rightly sang….”I Will Survive…”
