All Hallow’s Evening October 31, 2009

Hallowe’en yeah? I’m getting on my soap box.

I’ve given it a lot of thought. The basis of Hallowe’en doesn’t annoy me. For people who celebrate it for the day that it is, that have done for centuries and have that system of beliefs that’s cool. It’s their day. Just like I don’t have a problem with Diwali or any other belief system’s celebration. Tolerance yeah?

What does annoy me, in the same vain it annoys me about Christmas and Easter etc, is the commercialisation of it. People, children mainly who haven’t really got a clue about what Hallowe’en is about going round dressed in the latest expensive costume, begging for sweets and money from strangers without any thought for the actual reason for Hallowe’en. Historically dressing up was so the evil spirits wouldn’t recognise you as they passed into our world…not so you could get more sweets. The adolescents who use it as an excuse to be anti-social. It annoys me. I don’t celebrate Hallowe’en, like I don’t celebrate Diwali, because I don’t subscribe to those beliefs. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to go down the commerical route and use it as an excuse to dress up and beg.

Oops October 1, 2009

To add to my list of possibilities in the future there’s now becoming an assistant psychologist….or doing a studentship somewhere. Nom.

Oh and FYI…..Stephen Fry posted this link on twitter. I find it highly addictive. I can’t beat level 53. But at least it helps give rice. www.freerice.com

Another blog, another moan September 30, 2009

What are you moaning about THIS time? Well, seeing as you’re asking….

Everything. Literally. Everything. The past few months have been fairly horrible, to put it mildly. I’ve been tested an awful lot, with challenges and general life experiences. Life’s just one big test. The one thing I needed over the past few months was my friends or family. One friend was there for me in particular. The lovely Joy. She had her fair share of worries, but she was there for me nonetheless. (Thank you spoon) But I feel fairly let down by the rest, putting in mildly. You should never underestimate the effect your friends’ support or lack there of and how it can effect you. I feel terrible for putting so many of my worries and moans on Joy spoon. She has been really very wonderful though. I dunno. I feel hugely let down. Do you ever get the feeling you put more into a friendship than you get out of it? I know that’s not the point of friendship, I shouldn’t expect anything out of, I should be supportive whatever the weather and for the most part I am fine with that. Only today, I don’t feel Ok with it. Mainly ‘cos I don’t feel OK.

Today has been the straw that broke the camel’s back. I think I have finally seen how little some of my friends consider me, especially when they have each other. That fact makes me feel really quite rubbish. Soz.

Another thing. I was talking to Joy spoon today about love. General love. We both agreed on one idea. I can’t quite word it. The love for your friends shouldn’t be any less than the love for anyone else. There are different kinds of love certainly and of course you like some friends and love others, but it shouldn’t be any less just because they are your friends. I dunno, I’m ranting. I think my mind is melting.

Tony got in touch the other day. Wanted to see me. Begged to see me. It was 2am. I wanted to see him, terribly. But it was 2am. And I felt quite annoyed he was demanding to see me at such an hour. He wanted to talk about “us” saying we could have a chance. I said no. I was feeling what Joy calls “spunky.” I regret that now. Now I’m feeling alone of course I am wanting to see him and regretting feeling so strong about not. I also feel guilty. I’m the only one he’s told about his problems. I could have gone to talk to him about them. Helped him. I was very unChristian and ungiving with my time. Bad Skelly.

I’m feeling very unChristian atm anyway. I shouldn’t feel so alone. Jesus is there. I shouldn’t feel like I have so much on my shoulders when He’s there to help share the weight.  But I do feel rubbish. I don’t feel like I have any hope left in me to hope for a nice successful future, career, family life. I can see in a year’s time my friends all living in their respective couples. Where will I be? Where I am now? Which is no where. Or on my own some place else struggling to get by? I suppose it’s lack of faith on my part. I should have faith in Him that everything’s going to be OK. I should be patient and know that everything is going to happen in His time and not mine. But I don’t have that faith, what if it doesn’t? I’ll be like a crazy old cat lady that smells of cabbage, living in my parents’ garden shed.

Freshers’ week makes me feel like a failure, every year. And my mother kindly reminds me of it too. I failed at Freshers’. My biggest hurdle. I failed it. Will I ever overcome it? Who knows.

Moan over. Depressing non?

What?! You mean you’re moaning again?! September 15, 2009

Yes. Yes I am moaning again. What of it? I know it was a short relationship. I knooooow. But as time goes on it’s not getting any easier, only harder. The more times goes on the more I think I may be more than a little in love with him? Unrequited love. Wonderful. It’s a constant heavy feeling inside, it’s pretty rubbish. I have a number of theories as to why. One is that nothing was really dealt with, I’m a dealing with the problem kind of person and the fact he told me all his problems and then told me he was perfectly happy to keep running away from them left me sort of in limbo. I don’t understand. You recognise you have a problem and it affects you negatively, but you still want to carry on hurting and not trying to get better? Why? And the fact his not dealing with his problems has in turn made me feel quite rubbish just adds to the annoyance, especially when he professed to care so much about me. Another thing is he told me of his drink problem. Fair enough. But now when he texts me he’ll say stuff like “I’ll just get wasted and it will all go away.” or he’ll be on about all his bills and will tell me “I’ll just drink then it won’t matter.” Is he  telling me  in a subversive manner about his drinking so that I’ll try and stop him? Or is he just showing me that he still has a problem? Is it trying to make me carry on caring? I just don’t know.

My poor friends have been lovely about it all, I feel they are getting most fed up with my moaning though and so they should. They do cheer me up when I am with them, it’s when I’m not that I find it hard to distract myself. Everything reminds me of him. Do I regret going out with him? Totally. Would I do it again? Probably. There are many other ripe apples out there, so my Joyful spoon tells me and so I know. But none of them feel right for me.

The future’s coming to get me September 8, 2009

Before Rosie embarked on her Europe trip with Dan, I told her by the time she had come back I would have some kind of plan in place for my life. She returns on Thursday and I have no such plan. Oops.

It’s not that I haven’t thought about it. I’ve given a great deal of thought to it in fact. So much so that I’ve actually got more possibilities than I had beforehand. Now you may recall I was dithering about whether to do History as a Masters or whether to continue the Psychology route. I have at least decided to stick within the Psychology field, what with doing a degree in it and all. So I was looking at other potential Masters for me to do. So far I’ve come up with:

• Social and Developmental Psychology (MPhil)
• Child and Adolescent Mental Health (MSc)
• Clinical Neuropsychlogy (MSc)
• Applied Neuropsychology (MSc)
• Cognitive Neuroscience and Neuroimaging (MSc)
• Neuroscience (MSc)
• Child Health (MSc)
• Advanced Cognitive Therapy Studies (MSc)
• Educational Studies (MA)

Interesting. Whilst considering things I was hit with the notion of perhaps doing a PGCE in Primary Education. So there’s another possibility. And this without mentioning all the possible clinical psychology masters that are available should I finally decide to settle on becoming a clinical psychologist. In fact, the above list is in relation to my possibiliy entering the educational psychologist world. In either case I will need a year’s relevant experience. So I would need to work, unless of course doing the PGCE and wanting to become an educational psychologist, those two follow pretty much together. But if choose not to do the PGCE, then I’ll have to work I’m sure. If I want to go down the doctorate route definitely. So what job will I do? Mind have said they may offer me a position when I qualify, but the more I work there and get involved, the more I think being a youth worker in that kind of setting is not for me.

Well and truly stumped.

Feeling Frank May 29, 2009

I watched the BBC1 programme about Tourettes. The frankness of John Davidson and Greg Storey was refreshing. It made me think about mental health in general and also in particular relation to my own mental health.

I, like the FP, believe there shouldn’t be a stigma around mental health. People shouldn’t feel ashamed of their mental health problems. And as the FP often says, if anyone was to have a wooden leg for example and they needed help or wanted to talk about it, there would be no stigma in that. Mental health issues are different, you can’t see them, you can only see the effects. Inspired by Greg Storey and John Davidson, I’m going to open up a bit about my own mental health problems. One in particular. The one that rules my life.

If you are one of my friends who reads this blog, you’ll already know what I’m on about. If you read this blog regularly, you may or may not have noticed I often say how nervous I am about things, or how I dread them. Why? I have Social Phobia that’s why.

Not many people really understand it. I have few friends who know I have it and even fewer who are supportive of it. Some get annoyed by it, by the fact I physically can’t make myself do the things they do. For example, at the age of 14, now this will sound ridiculous, but I didn’t feel I could even stand by the edge of the road by myself to cross it. I had to have someone with me. Everything I did, I had to have someone with me. I was/am afraid of other people, of being judged, teased, thought about negatively. It often shows itself in the form of a panic attack. The first panic attacks I used to have, weren’t the stereotypical “I can’t breath” types, although breathing was an issue. If I saw people and it was a rare occasion on which I was on my own, I would hold my breath so they couldn’t see an increase in my breathing rate, my heart rate would soar so high, my mind would be in a panic and I’d often end up going a completely different direction to what I should be going in, in order to avoid the people. Often that meant getting a bit lost and in more of panic. It amuses me to think of actually. And still, even know, I get the urge to go another way when I see a group of people. Difference is, now I can logically see the ridiculousness of that and ignore it.

At my very worst, I had a fear of getting panicky when I was out. I’m very lucky it didn’t take the form of agoraphobia. And that’s not to say I don’t have supportive friends. I do have some amazingly supportive friends and without them, goodness knows where I’ll be. There are also those who I feel I have lost due to having it, but that’s OK.

Another symptom of my social phobia is I will analyse for hours and hours and hours anything I have said to people. Every conversation I have sticks in my mind and I go over them thinking “I hope they didn’t think I meant this…” “I hope I didn’t look as awkward as I felt.” “I hope they didn’t take that in the wrong way.” Again at my very worst I’d have to hit myself in the head and shake it a bit to stop. This is one of the symptoms that has stuck with me. Even writing comments on people’s blogs I go away thinking….eeek.

Some people gloss over my social phobia. They’ll say stuff like “oh I have that too.” But not to be rude to them, they don’t. If they did, they’d be like me, behind everyone else socially, only just branching out and being able to do stuff. Everything I do now,, because I do so much more alone, takes so much effort. It can be exhausting. Working as a volunteer….I spend the whole day feeling really panicky. Etc etc. Some people think being a social phobic is just being shy. That’s not true, although I am extremely shy too. But shyness isn’t feeling panicky in a queue for something, incase you get looked at funny or judged for what you are buying.

Writing this post has been extremely cathartic, although it may not make entertaining reading for many, I hope it at least provides some insight into social phobia. And it has allowed me to practice what I preach in that I shouldn’t be ashamed of having it. And I’m not ashamed of having it, but I am slightly ashamed of the person it has made me, or rather who I was and no longer who I am. And for the record…I’m quite nervous about publishing this.

“Do a blog that isn’t about Green Day” May 23, 2009

Ho hum. I find it so hard to blog at the moment….I’ve lost the knack of being able to blog about nothing. Shame. So I shall blog about my new obsession (I actually have a few new obsessions ranging from Pesto to learning Latin) which is the film recently on Channel 4…1066 The Battle for Middle Earth.

 

 

An amazing film, really well made, acted, researched. Just everything about it was fantastic! You learn about 1066 in school….the Battle of Hastings, Harold with the arrow in the eye and the Bayeux tapestry. However this film just shone a whole new light on it. You got to see what it was like from the ordinary farmer’s point of view and to see the other 2 major battles before the Battle of Hastings. It also allowed the viewer to see that Harold may not have been killed by an arrow to the eye like legend suggests, but he may have infact been decapitated. A really poignant moment is where the narrator said about Harold still guarding our shores, it did bring a tear to my eye. It was quite gory however, but that didn’t put me off, it made me like it more infact. It gave it a lot of realism and showed how truly awful battles were. I can’t wait to get it on DVD.

Daniel wanted me to do a blog about strawberry picking. I’ve never been strawberry picking but I want to go in the summer. I think that’s enough about that non?

If only I wasn’t so indecisive March 25, 2009

I was looking at Masters degrees. There’s one in History at the Open University that looks good. And costs £4020. Poooor. And doing a masters in History means I’m not doing another course in Psychology, which in turn may mean it’s harder for me to do clinical Psychology which is what I have been aiming towards for ages, although I doubt my decison now…..In turn this all means I may have to give up on my dream to go to Oxford. I do actually need to decide what to do pretty soon. I’m finding that highly poor. What do I want to do?!

In other news..I’m having theological problems….not so much the faith thing, I still have that….just….everything else. Poor. I also think whatever I do for my birthday (2 weeks tomorrow, also poor) will be ruuubbish. Can you tell I’m a pessimist?

Inspired by recent discussions March 8, 2009

There are some very odd looking creatures on this planet. Below are just a few.

Blob Fish

Star Nosed Mole

And the piesta resistance:

I present to you...the Naked Mole Rat...

I’ll leave it to your imaginations as to what it resembles. Tee hee hee.

First day at placement tomorrow! Eek!

Errr…I didn’t put a title February 24, 2009

Hi guys! Guess what. I think I’m changing my mind about my career choice….I did want to do Clinical Psychology after this degree, or counselling Psych….something to do with Psychology anyway. However, recently, I think I’ve been having a little bit of a change of heart. And by a little bit….I mean a big bit…in that I want to do something to do with Archaeology and History. Don’t get me wrong, I do love Psych and find it really interested, but I don’t feel particularly passionate about it anymore. I spend more of my time reading up on History than Psychology….I love History. So what am I going to do? Well I’ve no idea. Finish this degree. See what happens after that. I’d love to be both a Clinical Psychologist and an Archaeologist but I don’t think that’d work so well.